| fucking stupid computer world... |
[01 May 2007|12:10am] |
thats funny, i went to write in this thing after what, 2 years... and a draft popped up... i was rambling about wanting to take off, wanting to get the hell out of roslindale and the fuck away from loser jd... hahaha i was saying "i just need to get out of here, i have nothing to lose, and no good reason to stay put... "
and well... here i am. on the farm. single (finally) and a very different person than i was in any of the entries previous to this one.
tomorrow i have to write a critical analysis, start a research paper (for next week, ten pages), and switch my major from art history (which was an accident), to Biology.
things that are new about me since the last i wrote:
i've lost a piercing or two, i've lost a loser guy or three, i can drive stick, i have a new cat, i live on a farm but most importantly ALONE, i QUIT smoking, i drink tea not coffee, and i am no longer totally self distructive. but i do need to sleep... so ciao.
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| i guess you'd call this guilt... |
[06 May 2006|10:24am] |
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mood |
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 weird |
] |
I feel really bad right now, and i think it's cause i don't want to hostess tonight at JD's resturant... so i left him a note on the table, saying i don't want to. And i feel bad... i don't know why. I mean obviously i said i would do it and now i say i won't... but i just don't want to do it at all. I have done it twice... and it's not worth 40 bucks. i wind up staying from 6-11 or don't get home untill 11 at least... I don't have a set schedual, Kate never knows when she wants me, so I wind up waiting around, not knowing if i can make plans or not... blah blah blah... i just feel bad.I feel like i am screwing him over.. but i shouldn't cause that place is crap anyway. He shouldn't be working in a resturant... he should be recording music. The people that work there are... not MY kind of people anyway.. he seems to like them, but lazyness festers, it;s contagious... those people aren't going anywhere fast... whatever he can make his own decisions about who he likes and spends his time with obviously, regardless of how much of a bad influence they are on him, even though he'd never admit to ANYTHING being an influence on him... I dont want to do it, so I'm not going to. Kate can do it, or she can get off her lazy ass and hire someone to do it. and make up her mind as to when she wants a host.
so i guess the question is, what will i do tonight instead? paint my room? clean the kitchen? ill be back later, my mind still isnt at rest.
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| why have i let this go on so long... |
[24 Apr 2006|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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 embarrassed |
] |
.. i deserve much more than this...
yeah... being appreciated is just.. waaayyy too much to ask... waayyyyy too much...
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| please...just go away. |
[17 Apr 2006|01:41am] |
you have said yourself, you only want to enter the profession you are going to "make something of yourself" in.. to fix your own twisted head... yet you fail to have even the common sense... to recognize, all you can do is PROJECT...
please... stop spreading your negativity.
and stop trying to prove yourself to me... it's just ridiculous... no one cares...
aaanyway... i had a pretty busy "day off"...
now: shower, kitty, adam, row, email, "are you reaallly my boyfriend?... just make up your fucking mind..." music, and finally sleep.
ibuprofen first.
FIN
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| wow... thats sad |
[16 Apr 2006|09:24pm] |
Some people further the evolution of man... and some people bring it to a screeching halt.
no i dont read your journal... someone else that is your "friend" recommended i go read an entry of yours...
in other words... A. i dont really care... B. i am not the only one who recognizes you are pathetic... now lets see how long it takes your brilliant mind to figure out who it may be.
your obviously looking for confrontation, like some wild boar... some flee ridden hyena...
and unfortunately for you... i just dont know what to make of it... i wont give you the satisfaction of a good kill... i am simply, more highly evolved.
its a fact, not an opinion.
cigarettes dont kill brain cells... but weed and binge drinking do. and.. you didn't have many to begin with.
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| Flash Back |
[04 Apr 2006|04:08am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
] |
I was lulling myself to sleep after a day of dissappointment, caused by nothing in particular but hope for a good day... and then i was awaken, by my love.
...rolled over, and tryed to re-attain that state of peace... you know how you keep yourself in that state just before sleep, just a little longer, to feel like a baby again? i do.
now it is 4:11 and i have to be up by 8am. All the little things are biting and throbbing. Mostly the ones that aren't there... yet. the yet is what keeps my lungs from emploding during the heavy silenced sobbs.
I'm okay. My mind is strong but my body is trying to sell me a different story.
My womb is tearing itself apart again, the moon is in place... and its in the strangest of moments, during this time, that i wish it wouldnt. I wish it would stay. Perhaps its my addiction to the morose... perhaps, or it could be what is commonly reffered to as post truamatic stress syndrome. im in no mood for technicalities... or spelling.
A lot of good things have happened. But i cant think of them all just now. Or find the words to express them whole-heartedly.
i wish my aunt suzanne was singing me to sleep, and giving me warm milk, tucking me in and filling my head with hope, and fairy tales. I wish life was magical again.
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| pretty pathetic, but almost 100% correct... |
[28 Mar 2006|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
] |
| Your Birthdate: November 19 | 
You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested.
You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them.
Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others.
You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself.
Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence
Your weakness: Suspicion of others
Your power color: Eggplant
Your power symbol: Spade
Your power month: October |
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| ITS THE SIMPLEST THING EVER |
[26 Mar 2006|08:42pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
okay the song GOES:
Am C F F
Am C F A C D
Thats the chorus.. NO i am not a tempermental singer/song-writer... no it DOES work... LISTEN to it.. or maybe even try to play it. YOU are just a retard who wouldn't know good music if it bit off your dick. Now.. QUICK can anyone tell me what JAZZ is? or CREATIVITY?...
This aside... its a 1st 5th m6th song... its EVERY SONG EVER WRITTEN. Its 4/4 and VERY simple.
I just had the most retarded band practice of all time. I hate these guys. They are so stupid... i mean SO stupid... like fucking potato chips. not even a potato, cause that still conducts electricity... and is somewhat good for you...no POTATO CHIPS... fried, fat and artery-cloging-ly-slow...
It's like trying to play music with 3 mongrol/autistic scientists who want nothing but consistency... cause it reminds them of their mommy... wake eat sleep, wake eat sleep... D C E, D C E...
what should i expect, they love slayer.
fuck'em. music is a very simple things for me. im sorry if its not for you. you and i obviously have different definitions of "musical"... because you suck and are retarded.
so yeah that was my day. and i watched a a nova show on the quantum phisics, relativity, string theory etc etc. and ate 1/2 a pint of pistacio ice cream, and am not chain smoking, waiting for my suchi delivery.
no more dumbing down, if you dont get it, you dont get IT. take off.
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| g f#m |
[18 Mar 2006|02:23pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
my intolerance is getting violent. it is no longer just a way i sit with... and watch the consequential conclusions pass by... it has engaged itself and is in battle mode. im trying to make the best of it...
I have purchased a camera. A Canon EOS Rebel K2 SLR 35mm film camera.
this summer i am going to be riding around on my bike and taking pictures of things, listening to my mp3 player... wearing only skirts and dreses... getting a nice dark tan.
i look like death.
I've decided i am NOT an "Awe-er". only when it comes to non-human issues/people can i be capable of awe. no more attempted fascination... simply because someone/something is slightly interesting. that means little.
worth about .25/second of amusement... probably less...
being captured, cant be mimicked... or simulated. i knew that... but i guess i didnt recognize thats what was happening... i can see how everything is working, i can see the patterns.. but not WHAT those things ARE exactly... usually.
learned most of a case of you...the fingers will follow, they always do.
ijefffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffijooooooooooooooooo... summer NOW!
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| this is your chance to humor me... |
[18 Mar 2006|10:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 groggy |
] |
Ask me one question about each of the following:
1. friends
2. sex
3. music
4. drugs
5. love
6. livejournal
my own lunch special #7 bonus:
7.GENERAL
No matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.
Then post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked!
If your questions are good, I'll do the same for you...
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| MOTIVATION |
[04 Mar 2006|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
Last night was so cold. I still haven't warmed up.
me and dan went to some crap hole to see Ted Leo, that was worth it. he is so refreshing. just everything about the band... makes me feel safe to be me, wich i dont NEED, but its appreciated. not to mention the amazing music... aaanyway.
today we are celebrating international women's day at work. a refugee from somalia came and spoke, and for the life of me i cannot remember her name...
timley celebration thought, the acctual day isnt till March 8th but i started my period today! weee!
I will -for reasons previously mentioned in this journal- forever be greatful when i bleed.
sleeping when i get home, then hanging out with wes then john, then work, then sleep sleep, then going to rowie's concert! yay. then band practice at some point... not yay.
but hopefully yay soon... potentially...
i learned how to play cactus tree (joni mitchell) and i had to tune my guitar to DADF#AD instead of standard witch i THINK is EADGBE ... i could be wrong, or i could be right and have typed it wrong... so since i dont feel like re tuning my guitar i've just been playing it over and over... yes the neighbors know it well.
my life is so boring... of my own accord. and i mean... i DO stuff.. i have just DECIDED that everything i do is BORING i guess...
happy lady's day yall.
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| HUGE PROBLEMS |
[27 Feb 2006|06:54pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
as always...
first of all, i am sick of organized religion stealing the minds of good giving people. i am sick of it (christianity in particular) convincing people that if you are good and giving... you must also believe this and this and this, and it means this and this about you... blah blah fucking bullshit. you DONT need to be good and giving to everyone.. you DONT need to be a jesus sucker, you dont need to be kind and helpful and giving to people who are ASSHOLES. if you are a jesus sucker, you shut your god damned mouth about karma... you wouldn't have the first clue.
something else...
and so I'm off for a smoke... dont worry I'll be ranting again soon.
"but tonight, your on my mind so...you'll never know.......
.....where are you tonight ? child you know how much i need it..."
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| Im just along for the ride, my emotions are behind the wheel... and they don't take directions. |
[20 Feb 2006|06:18pm] |
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 indifferent |
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this is about to sound like every other person's "lately I've been... " entry... and that makes me sad a little, but i have to do it... here we go...
Lately I've been feeling such a need to destroy things. Like acctually physically take things, dishes, lightbulbs, mirrors, THINGS, just any old thing lying around the house, and SMASH it into OBLIVION.
I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I've been trying to avoid taking bad moods out on JD, even though he usually eggs them on, not on purpose, but I am re-learning to communicate with him, and not to feel badly or react (negatively) to his behavior. Because i am not a 16 year old over emotional infant anymore...
since i am now mentally capable of abolishing that behavior from my character, I feel that would be a productive thing to do with my time.
I am an extreemly affectionate person with JD (and kitty) and when he dosn't respond as much as I'd like him to it makes me feel ugly. Not physically, just... ugly. Like one of those women who are constantly mothering their boyfriend/husband, "eat! eat!" ... like the girlfriend in La Dolce Vita... like I'm living through him, I feel like a demanding boar. Although I'm not.
Its not even about HOW MUCH were touching eachother, or paying attention to the others physical presence, its WHEN and HOW.
For instance, When i leave for work in the morning even if he is sleeping (which he usually is) i go in and kiss him good bye, and say have a good day, or i love you or sometimes even nothing. sure he wakes up for a second, but then he goes right back to sleep (something he gets plenty of).
He never does that for me, and its not that he dosnt wake up in time or anything else, he just dosnt.
He never initiates snuggles...well once in a while but usually not.
Just standing in the kitchen waiting for coffee, when I pass him, or am near him for whetever reason I'll kiss his neck, or his cheek. Or touch his ass or stand behind him and give him a quick hug...
this for me, is instinctual, its as natural as breathing.
I guess i just want to feel wanted. I want to feel adored. Our physical relationship aside from sex, and me touching him, is the same as with any of the people he works with, or his mom even...
I am just glad that he is a part of my life, and that he isn't my WHOLE life, like before. Than was more of a pain for me than him. So time to stop talking about him, even though its more about my needs, than about JD...
I have soooo many projects to do !
~tung oil my pub table and get it in the kitchen.. (WEE!)
~finish painting the trim of the hallway and get everything moved back.
~prime the music room/paint it (paprika!)
~do about 6 loads of laundry
~finish writing lyrics for Dan/start recording/writing.
~make my Ma a cake. (carrot)
~clean out back hall/paint(maybe)
~clean up back porch/decorate
~grab that grille the 1st floor people left behind!/clean it...well.
~buy a bike
~apply at Allandale farm for a summer job.
...and keep watching my plentiful menagerie of DVDs provided by the brilliant... Netflix...
I need to get a picture of my cat to put up here. I had a very pleasant conversation with another crazy-cat-lady who came into the store today. I forget how we got on the topic, but the conversation lasted for a good 30min. we just told stories and asked questions back and forth about our cats and eachothers. Very cool, and neither of us are particularly insane (no the naked eye) and neither of us was weirded out about how fucking long we talked for... lol very nice lady. turns out she lives in Roslindale too, like 3 streets away.
I need to close now, so I'll finally stop boring you. Although might I remind you, it was your decision to read the whole tedious entry... :)
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| TIM IS AWESOME etc etc |
[04 Feb 2006|02:10pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
I am so sick... its in the delusional fevers that i realize, just how idle my mind is... 99% of the time... then i wonder about drugs. I've been so "against" them for so long... I wonder what i think of them now... and why that changed.. if it did... I'll have to do some living... ramble ramble... not like anti-biotics... I'm totally against them forever... I mean like acid, mushrooms...etc etc...
cough cough... and im on my period too... my luck is fucking impecable...
it sucks even worse... everytime... it is truely magical.
then again... i was worried i was pregnant... so thats a good thing...that im not.
JD is in Sweden for his last day... leaves and gets back tomorrow... me and kitty miss him.
I love my kitty soo much... shes the best... then comes Tim cause he bought me cupcakes, and cause he says so.
goodbye for now.
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| ...that note is out of tune.. panatonic or not... |
[23 Jan 2006|05:44pm] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
] |
sp?... unimportant.
I am so excited i signed up for netflix a couple of weeks ago... and now i can watch all the movies it is necessary to see in order to be a well cultured human being but that you dont have 20 dollars to buy it or to pay in late fees on!!! movies like 8 1/2 and ALL of fellini's work, passolinis stuff too...etc etc this is great, I put a bunch of documentarys and scientiific programs etc. on my list. like a 4 disc set about the history of russia, and quantum physics, the string theorey yaddah yaddah. oh and the crocodile hunter.. ahahaha. i love him hes so ridiculous.
I've been writing a lot of music lately. much of it is just lyrics for Dans little jingles... more like folk cliches... but hey. we all start somewhere. myself included. I played my recording of my guitar and bass for my sister, and she said it sounded like someone should be saying " Grey Goose... Always a Good Time... (enjoyresponsablyneverdrinkanddrive......)" over it. haha very jon spencer blues explosion-y.
i am so thirsty. the things that best quenches my thirst is RED BULL... i want to drive one of their little miniswith a huge red bull can attached ot the top of it. i would gladly. i love that stuff...normally i'd be the last up to endorse... anything. but red bull has my approval.
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| could this be it?? |
[14 Jan 2006|01:32pm] |
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mood |
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thirsty |
] |
Music is more and more... looking like what i'll be doing with my life... in the immediate future anyways... cool.
blah blah... i really don't have anything good to say... i feel like a ertin, (in this post) retarded person i know... this entry resembles all of theirs... haha... thank god i am not that person... okay all done, bye! :)
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| Toxic Shock Syndrome |
[09 Dec 2005|11:16am] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
] |
On the way to work this morning, (i took a cab) i was listening to the radio station the cab ass -as we'll call him- had on, they were debating weather or not some guy who had an offencive holiday display should be repremanded, or if he totally had every right... blah blah blah, and this radio station dj was a total idiot, he was like "who wants to live next to someone who paints they're house hot pink, or purple, or some other offencive color? NOBODY thats who..." WOOAAHHH!! MR. GENERALIZER!.. what if some people happen to like colors that other people,-yes perhaps the majority- find hideous?
ASSHOLE open your eyes, a majority is just as cruel, dangerous and "evil" as a dictator... its human nature to act like a fucking idoit when your in a larg crowd...i don't care how smart you THINK you are... you can't escape it...unless you are the one to lead... or LEAVE!!
and then some guy calledand is like " look buddy i don't know what your talking about, you say if someone puts nice white lights and an appropriate respectful (whatever that means) manger scene in they're yard.. thats nice to look at?... in my opinion looking at that would be just as offencive as looking at this guys house with the millions of lights and "in-appropriate" (sp) picture (something about paris hilton)...i don't believe in "christ"... "
THANK YOU CALLER! ...
the DJ could abseloutly NOT stomach this guys opinion...
the fact that a groovy black man, (who (obviously) used to do drugs, sympathysed with hookers, was a thoughtful, and kind person (for the most part) and who was a natural leader, or a natural people magnet i guess, -he didn't WANT to be a leader, or worshiped-... Jesus or Nazerith was SO brilliantly (again, probably with the help of some phsycadelics) a head of his time, and forward thinking...) is made into some white english looking fool, in a fucking bath robe, with beams of what, holy? shooting out of his head... all season long, is mis-understood and for hundreds of years has been mis-interpreted, mis-translated, and his whole message, of "CHILL THE FUCK OUT PEOPLE! ...EAT SOME FISH, IF YOUR FRIEND AIN'T GOT NONE, GIVE HIM SOME! IF HE AIN'T YOUR FRIEND, CHANGE THAT! MAKE PEACE, CAUSE HE MIGHT HAVE THE FISH SOMEDAY!!..." Has been totally mis-EVERYTHINGED... SO essentially, anytype of religous paraphenalia i have to stare at, is just representitive of peoples stupidity... JESES called us sheep... do you remember that?... why do you think he said that... hahaha i dont want to be reminded of people's stupidity and fear all winter! it's depressing enough!!... TAKE your CHRISTMAS, and CHAUNICHAKHAAA shit (however the fuck you spell it) down... its WAY more offencive than a naked picture of a woman...
GO READ SOMETHING... go LIVE!... i am so fed up with denial, and stupidity...
there might be a god, but JESUS was NOT his SON... hhahaha thats rediculous.. he was just a groovy black dude, who did some acid, or ate the wrong wheat, (with PCP growing on it...)and decided to FUCK WITH OUR HEADS.. lovingly of course, (he called us sheep, not maggoots...)
someone needs to smack that DJ... im gonna go pee...
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| glory glory...sociopath... |
[28 Nov 2005|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
Is there a condition for...(a "condition" like a clinical term)not only for sociopaths, but for people who seem only to be drawn to sociopaths? and no one else?... romantically that is... I should find that info, for it is applicable...
I'm gonna get a cat tattoo... but i have no idea where to start... i want to draw it myself... if anyone wants to draw my a picture of my cat, or one based on her... (the pirate ) or find any nice pics, email me them... or send em to me here...
I learned Danny Boy on the guitar... and every time i sing it it makes me cry... i have NO clue why. kinda weird...
blah blah blah blah...
Six Feet Under is the place to be... Dear santa: season THREE PLEASE!!!
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| feliz cumplianos...a mi... |
[26 Nov 2005|04:21pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
Usually (well, when i was a kid anyway...) there is some large event, or celebration on your birthday, or around it... that makes you just totally and utterly aware that you ARE ONE YEAR OLDER...not so this year...
I invited 2 of my friends over to watch a movie or something... have some wine, but one of them didn't come because they had plans with their aunt, and im not even sure if he remembered i invited him, and the other called me on my b-day to say happy b-day, and told me she was baby sitting, because she had nothing better to do... so i hung out w/ jd, and had a long drunk conversation with my mom. it was okay... i don't really care much that niether person in invited came... but it just makes me not KNOW that im 19...
well i tought myself how to play stand by me on the guitar...it took a little coordination...but it's done...
I've been a hermit for about a month... i need to write personally to a few people... im sure you know who u are... but i don't have time right now...
every time, (which is NOT often...) thjat i eat mcdonalds... i feel like a piece of slimy shit after... why do i go back?? why? okay bye
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| Insert something witty here: ____________ |
[24 Oct 2005|10:42am] |
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mood |
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hungry |
] |
Rain rain go away, come again another day...
Recently people have been making me feel like I'm an asshole because I dont watch TV, basically... because I'm not up on the news of how many people died on earth yesterday... this may sound terrible, but thats not what im concerned with, because im simply not concerned... I dont care. I dont want to know... death is a gift. I'm not saying im going to kill myself, or anyone else... this doen't mean I have no appreciation for life... then again I see life and death as one and the same... We are living and dieing at the same time...
And m not so short sighted to only see the dieing, but to recognise what is causeing it... unlike the people who force the news upon me/us...the media and over sympathetic people...and even with this information, I am not moved to sympathize. Things happen for a reason.
Sure it could be argued that I only say that cause im nice and comfy here in America... because I'm all set financially.. yaddah yaddah, when the fact is I have suffered plenty a misfortune, and understand pain and agony. I dont always have food or rest waiting for me at home, granted I have a home, for which I am extreemley grateful, because this is the first time. I also have learned from my mistakes, and now know what I need to do to avoid agony, to avoid the contagient; over-sympathy.
Humans are a highly adaptable species... I put my faith in this, as apposed to the morning propaganda...
Something else that has been irking me... the matter of kindness...
No one seems willing or able to accept the fact that kindness is a survival skill. We don't have claws, we dont have ink, or keen senses (most of us)... We have Kindness as a survival instinct. We don't do things out of the good of our own heart. Think about it, next time your smiling unnecessarily at someone.. or the next time you ask someone how they are... the next time you are NICE to someone, really think about WHY you are doing it. Most likely, because this person can get you something, or because of your job description, or because you fear this person, or admire them, aspire to be LIKE them... all these things fall under the catagory of "CAREING". Which is by definition something quite different from how it acctually perches itself in the human society, life/death. THINK ABOUT IT....
I am so hungry...I'll be ninteen soon... how did I make it this far?
FIN
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